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The ‘God Bless ’em they’re trying’ award

Posted by Dows on April 18, 2009

My topic today is something I have been wanting to get off my chest for a long time.

I’ve been playing games now for over 14 years and i’ve seen most of what gaming can throw at me, I’ve bought crap, played crap, enjoyed crap and sometimes designed crap to fuel my need for gaming.

However, every bad decision I ever made gaming wise does not compare to the TWO horrific decisions my parents have made when it comes to getting me video games/consoles.

It’s not that they every did anything intentionality bad, it’s just that they never got why I was into Video Games

Here are the big examples…

Mistake no.1: Its 2002, everybody on the planet owns a PS2 and it sucks balls cos I don’t have one. I take a very crappy job at PoundStretcher over weekends to save up enough money to get my own console.
Months go by and I finally have the moolah to get my very own PS2. Here is when I make my first mistake – I gave the money to my mom to buy the system. Here is my second mistake – I didn’t explicitly say which free game to get when she purchased it. However I wasn’t too concerned as the bundles available all had games i liked (Smackdown Just Bring It, Fifa etc.)

Anyways… So i’m at work and my mom comes to see me.
Mom – Console bought
Dows – Yay
Mom – It came with a free game
Dows – Cool which bundle you get
Mom- Well the deal changed, I could have any game free
Dows – Sweet, so what did you get…

Right before I go on, I was 16, Male, A huge Sports/Wrestling fan, Studying ww2 history at College. (I was so cool at school)

Have a guess at what she got me……

The Weakest ‘F*&@*ng’ Link.

This is the most exciting screenshot I could find.

This is the most exciting screenshot I could find.

I was stunned into complete silence. She just didn’t get it.

What blew more was the fact we couldn’t exchange it. SO when I opened up my beautiful PS2, the only thing I had to play on was one of the worst games of all time.

Anne Robinson forever taunting me about my lack of knowledge has left a scar I don’t think will ever truly heal…

I mean just LOOK AT IT!

You couldn’t even change the name of the character you were playing as.

For a month this game was all I had, makes me so mad just thinking about it.

Moving on…

Mistake No.2 – This is by far the worst call ever made by my folks. Its xmas 1996 and my parents tell me that they have got me a new console for me to play on.
JOY OF JOYS! A ps1? A N64?


An Atari Jaguar.

When your 10 this looks sexy...

When your 10 this looks sexy...

The Jaguar, for the unacquainted,  was designed to surpass the Mega Drive and the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in processing power. The console was first released in selected U.S. cities in November 1993, and the rest of the country in early 1994. Although it was promoted as the first 64-bit gaming system, the Jaguar proved to be a commercial failure and prompted Atari to leave the home video game console market.

The damn thing killed Atari…

Now I was like 10 and I had never heard of the Jaguar and assumed that it must be a super-new console that was clearly blessed by Jesus Christ.
The actual reason I had never heard of it is because the system sucked balls and sank like a stone in Europe.
By the time I had the console in my mitts you couldn’t get Jaguar games in this country anymore so I was stuck with the titles I was given, Doom, Syndicate, Club Drive (dear god), Cybermorph and a pretty decent top down flying game Raiden.

I soon discovered that the console was crap but I had to make do with what I have so I merrily played along.  During its 2 year life with me we had to replace the controllers 5 times as they just kept on braking and replace the original power adaptor as it fried itself (when it was switched off apparantly…)

Now many people argue whether the console was actually a true ’64-bit’ console. And many more people simply don’t care. I mean it played like crap and the console was piss poorly designed so game makers actually struggled to code games for the damn thing.

But its biggest killer has to be its utterly daft controller.

This was as much of the controller as I could fit on one jpg. (GOD IM SO FUNNY!)

This was as much of the controller as I could fit on one jpg. (GOD IM SO FUNNY!)

Good God the controller. Never in the field of human history has a company shat on the laws on ergonomics from such a great height. It was difficult for fully grown men to use and I was 10!

Now I know what your all thinking, old small hands Dowson is moaning again, but seriously this beast was huge.  With a normal d-pad and 3 buttons you would think Atatri were onto a winner. And then for some unown reason they added 12 buttons at the bottom. The idea being that every game came with an overlay you put on the top and then you play your game and use it accordingly. Lose the overlay and you were screwed basically.

That comes to 15 buttons overall.

Can you name a single game in 1995 that needed 15 buttons? 15!

So like I said, the awful mess crippled Atari who were only able to sell half the consoles they ever made and it brought an end top the company that started it all.

My parents were trying but yet again they just didn’t get it

God Bless ‘Em



2 Responses to “The ‘God Bless ’em they’re trying’ award”

  1. Lucy said

    You refer to your mum as mom. This amuses me greatly. What are you, American?!

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