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Gimmie a ticket for an airplane…

Posted by Dows on April 25, 2009

I’m now into my third hour of my journey to go home. This should of taken about an hour. I am seriously not a fan of weekend trains.

It was all going so well…

Got on at Middlesbrough and all was right with the world. Direct, simple, efficient. The very pride of network rail. Birds were singing, the sun was setting and boro was bathed in the glow of an ending summers day.

The conductor smiled as I handed him my ticket. He informed me with a cheerful demeanour that we would arrive in Leeds at half nine.

And then Satan himself shat on my face.

Right in my eye.

As we approached Darlo the conductor was heard on the tannoy.

‘This is a passenger announcement. Could all passengers please depart this train at Darlington. Their is a technical problem on-board and this train will no longer be going to Leeds. Once again this train has failed and will terminate at Darlington.’

What the hell do you mean failed? In life? To settle down? How can a train just fail?

This isn’t the first time I had heard this use of broken English. Going to London one day the train I was using also ‘failed’ and was cancelled. But why use such a stupid term. Unless it’s what the computer on-board says when the driver cocks

Train: press the blue button to continue on your journey

Driver: shit just pressed the green one


Would at least make more sense.

So the lady said ‘ I’m sorry sir (clearly wasn’t) but the next train isn’t for another hour’

Stuck in Darlington station, the coldest place on earth, for an hour! The bar wasn’t open so I couldn’t even drink myself better (see earlier post on booze dependancy).

So I loitered…

And loitered…

Had a wee

And loitered

Finally the most beautiful train I’ve ever seen appears. It actually made me aroused. Upon boarding i took to my seat and settled in for at least a comfy ride back.

‘Ladies and Gentleman we would just like to remind all passengers will be going to Leeds via Doncaster and will take approx 1 hr and 340mins to arrive at its desination.’


For the next hour and forty-five I witnessed projectile vomit from the loudest drunken person ever, couples trying to ride bareback on the tables and I wrote this blog out on my ipod (cos im a twat like that)kitten21tl

So to make everyone feel as bad as me here is a sad kitten…



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