House Of Dows

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Posted by Dows on August 19, 2009

So yesterday I realised I was turning into quite the heffer and decided I would so something pronto to rectify this by going to the gym.

The science is all there, 1 gym session removes 2 weeks worth of utterly destroying my body with booze, pizzas and special delicious cake. On my way to creating my Adonis like figure I stopped at a cash point outside the bus station in order to pay for my after-gym MacDonalds. Suddenly I heard a voice:

‘Hey You’ Said the voice

‘What?’ Said your hero

‘I’m talking to you’


My voice trembled as I feared the voice of the Creator, realising my years of Atheism and wild Hedonism were about to come back to haunt me. I could feel His judgement upon me. I wept upon the very face of God

‘Isn’t about time you considered applying to Leeds College?’

‘Well I know my life has hit the skids Lord but I wouldn’t go that far…’

‘At Leeds College we have hundred of courses designed to suit you and see you through the recession’

‘Hang on, are you on commission?’

‘ A stunning campus, great people and a great place to learn’

My new found Catholicism quickly dissipated and I began to investigate where the voice was coming from. It was late at a bus station and I peered around, nothing, nobody. I suddenly noticed an electronic billboard on the side of the wall, advertising the college. As I approached the poster spoke.

‘Hey you’

The poster was designed to launch into this blasphemous tirade every time someone walked past it. And its not like it was quiet, positively booming in fact. To make matters worse it had one of those cheesy, uplifting guitar solos in the background. They type of music they play when BBC 2 has a breakdown. Its outside, its noisy, and it scared the willies outta me. So I gave it a kick and went on my way. Seriously if your in Leeds bus station go find it and shake your head in disappear at the folly of mankind.

Speaking of God…

On my way back from the Gym, looking like a young David Hasselhof, I noticed a group of ‘youths’ at the back of the bus. They weren’t your average youths, baggy clothes, long hair, colourful armbands and neatly packed bags. They were a Christian youth club on their way back from a good praying session. Now the reason I knew they were was the distinct thing you always notice about really hardcore committed Christians. It’s the smile. That permanent semi-grin that they always have. I don’t know what it is but I can guarantee you’ve seen it. That ‘you know what I’ve nailed this life and the next ha ha!’ look. Clean cut, fresh faced with their hair either a throwback to the fifties or eighties metal bands.

I’m not knocking anyone’s religion btw. If you’ve got it, great, I’m actually jealous that you have that security in faith. But its only in religious types that I see that smile.

Maybe its just me, after all God told me to go to Leeds College and I said no.

I just wasn’t ready.



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